A husband’s perspective

Normally my lovely and talented wife is the genius hammering away at the keyboard. However, due to the crazy situation we currently find ourselves in, I feel like maybe I need to pull my weight and dabble in the blogging business. I hope to offer a little insight and perspective from a husband and new father (for the 3rd time) during this fiasco.

So let’s flashback to April 22nd when we welcomed Leah Kate into this COVID-19 infected world. We planned months in advance for both of our mothers to come and stay with us to help out with Claire and Henry while we were welcoming the baby. But COVID had other ideas. Ok, no biggie, adapt and overcome. Kileigh’s mom was still able to be here to take care of the older kids allowing me to be at the hospital during the birth. Baby was born, a healthy and happy little girl. We gushed over her and talked about how great it was going be to have 3 kids in our little family unit. Kileigh and Leah were home and life was going great. It lasted roughly one week.

One evening while lying in bed, Kileigh complained of a sore neck following it up with the fact she would really appreciate a neck massage. Being the stand-up and loving husband that I am, I agreed to rub it. She winced in pain almost instantly and told me that my touch was way too much.

A few hours passed when I woke up to Leah crying, she was hungry. As Kileigh was laying there nursing I could tell she was exhausted. She told me she felt awful, couldn’t find a comfortable position for her neck, and had yet to fall asleep. Mind you it’s probably around 1 am and she should have been fast asleep hours ago. We both still chalked it up to a sore muscle or perhaps a headache caused by her epidural during childbirth.

The next time I woke up the sun was peaking through the window and Kileigh wasn’t in bed anymore. She was pacing around the house. She had been up all night unable to get comfortable enough to fall asleep and still had an awfully sore neck and now a throbbing headache. She had taken a few baths, tried ice and heat, and taken pain medication safe to use while nursing and still no relief.

The above situation went on for roughly two more days and nights. Kileigh finally broke down in tears and told her mom it was too much and she needed to go to the doctor. I stayed at home with all three kids and waited anxiously for the girls to return. I was pretty proud of myself for keeping all three kids alive and well for a few hours. I was excited to show off my mad dad skills when the girls got back home. Unfortunately, when Kileigh and her mom did arrive back home, Kileigh was still in pain and in no mood to congratulate me. She had gotten no relief and was told it was probably just a sore muscle from nursing or holding the baby. It would get better with over the counter meds, topical creams, ice, heat, and massage. Since she was breastfeeding there was no real aggressive action they could take so she had to suck it up and work through the pain.

Being the strong woman that she is, she struggled through one more pain-filled sleepless night and most of the following day. As the evening crept up, Kileigh’s eyes filled with tears and she asked me to take her to the ER. The pain was still unbearable and another long night pacing the halls seemed too much to handle. As soon as we climbed in the car, Kileigh told me we needed to stop and get baby formula, she wasn’t going to get Tylenol this time.

While driving to the ER Kileigh started to cry and said she felt silly for going to the ER for a sore neck and headache. She apologized for the additional ER bill we were about to accrue. Since COVID-19 restrictions were still in full effect at the hospital, I was unable to go in with her. I gave her a little side hug and told her I would be waiting in the parking lot when she was finished.

I sat in the parking lot of the ER for roughly the next 2 hours exchanging the occasional text with Kileigh. She told me they gave her a bunch of pain pills and muscle relaxers, but she was still not getting any relief. Through all of her pain, she tried to keep it light by texting and asking what we should do when she got out of the ER that night. She asked if I would be ok on “baby duty” and made me promise her that I wouldn’t fall asleep while feeding Leah. I promised her I wouldn’t fall asleep while feeding Leah, would help Claire do her schoolwork, and would snuggle with Henry when he got sad about not being the baby anymore.

From my point of view, in the car, in the parking lot, things were looking a bit more serious than a sore neck. With each passing moment and the lack of results from the medications, I was a bit more unsettled. I asked Kileigh if she had any new updates. They had just given her another dose of pain meds and muscle relaxers. If that didn’t take the pain down they would take her to imaging. She suggested I go home and help her mom with the kids. She would call in a bit when she was released.

I went back to the Air BnB where Kileigh’s mom was staying and watched the kids while dinner was prepared. As the hours crept on, both myself and my mother-in-law became increasingly concerned. The kids were ushered off to bed. I sat there awake willing my phone to ring with an update. Finally, around 1 am my phone rang. Kileigh had a level of uncertainty and worry in her voice that is not like her. Instantly I knew something was not right. After a few scans the doctor had discovered that she had dissected two arteries in her neck and was getting only 50% of blood flow to her brain. She was being admitted for the night.

The next afternoon I was finally able to speak with her ICU doctor. Ironically it was the very same doctor that had delivered Leah a few short days before. He felt awful that we were going through all of this, gave me his personal cellphone number, and told me to call if I had any questions. One of the first questions he asked me was whether or not we had life flight insurance. Oh shit. Based on that question alone I knew the situation was much more serious than I originally thought. Looking back now it almost makes me sick how ignorant we were and how we both just shrugged her symptoms off as a sore muscle or a migraine. I requested Kileigh be transferred to Seattle where she could be seen by specialists with more resources. Begrudgingly, Kileigh agreed and she was transported via ambulance to Swedish Medical Center in Seattle around 5 am.

After a long and sleepless night, Kileigh sent me a text early the next morning that her pain was finally under control. She slept for a couple of hours, and she felt like she was ready to come home. I was able to breathe a bit easier. I dropped Leah off with my mother in law and tried to get some much-needed sleep. A few hours later Kileigh called to let me know that she had been cleared for discharge, someone could come and pick her up anytime. I talked to Kileigh on the phone about her treatment. She told me she was given some pain meds, was told to monitor her blood pressure and not do any heavy lifting when she came home. She started to cry and said that even little 7 pound Leah was considered too heavy to lift. She would need to go back to Seattle in the next few months for a follow-up appointment but things seemed stable right now.

Kileigh stated that she felt like being released was ok and that she trusted her doctors. I never heard a word from anyone at Swedish during her visit so I was just taking Kileigh’s word for things and felt that if she was comfortable coming home, so be it.

When Kileigh and her mom returned home late that evening, Kileigh said she felt better but her face said otherwise. I could see the pain all over Kileigh’s unrested face. She hardly slept, still had excruciating pain in her neck and a terrible throbbing headache. The next morning my mother in law went to the local drug store and got a blood pressure cuff so Kileigh could check her blood pressure. It was over 170. When she was released from the hospital her medical team told her to be concerned with anything over 130. An increase in pain could lead to higher blood pressure and high blood pressure could lead to the release of an aneurysm, which could lead to a stroke, which could lead to… bad shit. Damn it!! Kileigh called her doctor and got a same-day appointment with her primary care physician. She gutted it out for a few more hours and mustered up all of her strength to cautiously love on the kids until her appointment.

She met with her physician briefly, told her about her BP and pain level. It was quickly decided that she go back to the ER and get an updated scan. We were both a bit nervous as we left the doctor’s office and headed back to the ER. As I walked Kileigh back to the COVID-19 screening station at the hospital I gave her another lame side hug and told her I would again be waiting in the parking lot for her. Not long after she checked in and went inside, the on-call doctor called me. They had taken another scan and it appeared that one of her arterial dissections had worsened. The doctor was in the process of arranging an ambulance to transport her back to Swedish Medical Center. Jesus Christ. The doctor told me someone from Swedish would be in contact with me when she arrived and was all checked in.

We were supposed to be at home celebrating the arrival of our third and final child, not shuttling Kileigh back and forth to Seattle via ambulance for a potentially deadly situation. My mind went to dark places and I wondered just how in the world I was going to raise three kids alone. What would I tell Claire and Henry if things took a turn for the worse and mommy didn’t come home? Who would I turn to when I had a shit day or when I wanted to share something funny? How am I supposed to live without my best friend? What if that lame side hug was the last time I ever saw my wife here on earth?? This is not how our story is supposed to play out. We have shit to do and memories to make.

Claire respects Kileigh way more than she respects me. How am I going to handle her by myself when she becomes a rebellious teenager? Henry is a total momma’s boy and his world revolves around Kileigh. His world would end without his mom. And then there is Leah. She needs to know her mom and grow up knowing just how much her mom loves and adores her. Kileigh loves her children so much and has such big plans for her life that this is not fair. I should be the one going through this, not her.

It was such a helpless feeling knowing that there was nothing I could do other than pray and trust that things would be ok. It was frustrating that I had all of these thoughts going on in my head and the one person that I talk to about these things is in a potentially life or death situation in the back of an ambulance headed for Seattle.

I pretty much entered survival mode and just ran on adrenaline for at least the next 48 hours as we tried to figure out just what the hell was going on. I watched the sun go down and come up again without sleep numerous nights in a row. I dared not fall asleep should Kileigh or the hospital call to give me an update of any kind. I would never forgive myself if I missed one of those calls.

I tried to comfort Leah when she cried at night and told her stories about Kileigh. I told her about our first date, how I proposed, our wedding, and how much she loves being a mom. I wondered if the only way Leah would know her mom was through stories and it broke my heart. I am not one to show much emotion but Leah witnessed me “ugly cry” with snot and all, on a few occasions.

I created a group text to keep family in the loop. I was overwhelmed with questions, concerns, etc. and it was impossible to keep up with. My family and friends called and sent texts and I told everyone I was doing fine. In reality, I was just surviving. I had to stay strong and focused on the kids and not let my mind wander into the land of what if’s. Avoiding talking about it too deeply with family and friends was how I handled that situation. There were way too many unknowns and still too many questions unanswered.

Claire and Henry didn’t really understand what was going on. I told them that mommy was in the hospital and that we had to say extra prayers for her, but they just wanted to play and love on their new baby sister. That was probably a good thing. I was able to keep it together and just march on like nothing was wrong for them.

Kileigh’s mom is just like her, a strong and serious woman. She was my rock during this whole ordeal. I had a million thoughts, questions, and concerns running through my head at any moment but my mother in law was able to keep focused on the task at hand.

Finally, after roughly 7 days in the ICU stroke ward at Swedish Medical Center in Seattle, Kileigh was cleared to come home. She was diagnosed as having bilateral vertebral artery dissection. This article does a great job explaining this condition.

Kileigh is taking pain medication, muscle relaxers, blood pressure medication, blood thinners, aspirin, and probably a few other medications I cannot think of right now. She is supposed to “take it easy” for 6 months and hope that the arteries heal themselves. Kileigh cannot drive, move her head side to side, strain while going to the bathroom, lift heavy items, elevate her blood pressure, or partake in any activities that could cause a sudden jerking motion of her head or neck. She was told that she needs to be super careful and not get sick as coughing, sneezing, or throwing up could release an aneurysm or worsen her dissections and cause her to have a stroke.

Fortunately, she has been given the okay to hold Leah but is discouraged from walking while holding her for fear of becoming light-headed or dizzy due to the side effects of her medication. She was told to keep physical activity to a minimum, just short walks, nothing that will elevate her blood pressure. Her medical team stated that she needs to return for a follow-up scan in 3 months to see if the arteries are healing on their own and to determine the next steps.

Basically she was told to pause her life for the rest of the year and hope that 2021 goes better. If you know Kileigh, you know that this is her personal hell. She hates naps or sleeping in and tells me sleep and rest is “boring”. She always has big plans or adventures scheduled for free time and weekends.

So now we are armed with referrals to geneticists, vascular surgeons, and rheumatologists and are hopeful that we will find out what caused this and how to deal with it moving forward.

One of Kileigh’s main concerns is that this diagnosis is genetic and that it could be passed on to Henry and Leah. Leah was born with a heart murmur (Kileigh has one also), umbilical hernia, and skew foot and has numerous appointments to see specialists. Between the two of them, we will be headed to the Emerald City on a weekly basis for the foreseeable future I believe.

We are both adjusting to the new normal and are taking it day by day. We still get out and enjoy the beautiful Pacific Northwest a bit but realize that the next day Kileigh will be forced to take one or two “boring” naps. She tends to have a hard time recovering from even the smallest outings and her energy gets zapped quickly. Last week we went out to Salt Creek and relaxed on the beach for a few hours. The next day Kileigh took a 4-hour nap as the little walk and all the fresh air really wore her out.

There are still lots of questions that have yet to be answered, doctor appointments in Seattle, Everett, and Poulsbo, and God only knows what else. I keep looking towards the future and cannot wait until Kileigh is healed and we can sit back and relax while talking about the shit show known as the year 2020. We love you Kileigh Jean and are looking forward to many many more years of adventures with you.