Pregnancy after Loss…

“I’m Pregnant!!! BUT I have had miscarriages so….”

After the third time of actually hearing myself make this announcement out loud, I realized what I was doing. Not only was I protecting myself from completely attaching to this new little life inside of me but I didn’t want others to react too positively either. I don’t want them to get overly excited because of the what-if, right?

Levi and I struggled for years to conceive a baby. After a successful infertility treatment, I thought there is no possible way we could struggle so much to get here only for something to happen now that we are actually pregnant, right? I mean my mom had 4 babies with zero complications in her pregnancies. No one in my family had miscarriages, they just popped out kids all the time. We were on top of the world, totally felt like we had gotten through the hard part of actually getting pregnant. Now we were on to enjoying pregnancy and counting down the days until we got to meet our precious baby.

A couple of weeks later on my way to pick Levi up from work, I received a phone call from my doctor. My numbers (hormone levels) weren’t multiplying as they should and this wouldn’t be a viable pregnancy. As Levi opened the door to get in the car I couldn’t throw up the words fast enough. I literally saw the heartbreak in his eyes as he processed the news I just shared with him.

Since that first miscarriage, I have been blessed to deliver a perfectly healthy little boy. But (I know here comes the but again) I also had another miscarriage a year later. There is no sugar coating it, being pregnant after a miscarriage can be the most nerve-racking 40 weeks of your life. Just like after your first heartbreak in love, you have your guard up the next time around. The trust, naivety, and blind bliss just isn’t there anymore.

These days I find myself offering a lot of reassuring self-talk. Trying to ease my worried mind I convince myself I have a pattern: miscarriage, baby, miscarriage…so this time it is baby. Or “I made it to 18 weeks I have never been this far along without having a healthy baby so we totally have this in the bag.”

Yet every time, every freaking time, I use the restroom I’m petrified I am going to see blood.

As doctors’ appointments linger on the horizon I feel my stress level rise. The anticipation of the moment we will hear (or not) the heartbeat. I want to freeze time listening to the perfect rhythm knowing all is ok with the baby. I seem to be on a high for a couple of days after doctor appointments. Then as days pass inevitably the anxiety builds up counting down the time before the next appointment.

One of my best friends gave me the book Praying through your Pregnancy while I was pregnant with my little guy. The relief offered during that pregnancy and this one is irreplaceable. Divided into short chapters for nightly reading the book explains what exactly is happening inside that uterus of yours. I mean did you know that by 7 weeks your baby has gone through 3 sets of kidneys? No wonder the first trimester I could barely get the energy to function as a human. For each of the 40 weeks of pregnancy, there is a specific prayer to coincide with the baby’s developments. The prayer allows you the chance to offer up your worries, burden, and concerns to God by asking him to watch over your baby as his heart begins to beat, or her little hands and feet are forming, or his vocal cords develop. I 100% recommend this book to anyone who has struggled to become or stay pregnant. It truly puts my heart at ease over and over.

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I know that each day of the next 21 weeks of this pregnancy will be a struggle. Constantly balancing my fears and excitement for what is to come. But I also know that as I look at my kiddos every day I can see perfect little creations. Miracles do happen. To anyone else that may find themselves in a similar situation, I wish you peace. Know that you are not alone, I totally get it. It’s hard.

xoxox Kileigh